I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
