I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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