I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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