Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
