i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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