Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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