My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
