Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just found a bag of teeth...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
