ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize