She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
