Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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