I think I died a long time ago.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
