when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize