i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We're too hungover to prance.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
