Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
