i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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