Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
