Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize