My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
