it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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