It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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