I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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