So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
