Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she pinky promised me she was 18
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
