This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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