Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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