Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize