Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize