No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
