ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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