So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I need moral support for this bender
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
