it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
