I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize