Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
