I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
