My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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