I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
