I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
