Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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