We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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