And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
