It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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