I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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