just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
