dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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