My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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