The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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