I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
