I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
