If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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