One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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