member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
