oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
where are you?
Hypothermia
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
