Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
