I'm so fucking centered right now
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
