It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
